My Hymn

Jesus, Savior pilot me
Over life's tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
Chart and compass come from thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

As a mother still her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boisterous waves obey thy will,
When thou sayest to them, "Be still!"
Wondrous sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
Wondrous sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
'Twist me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on thy breast,
May I hear thee say to me,
"Fear not, I will pilot thee."
May I hear thee say to me,
"Fear not, I will pilot thee."
-Edward Hopper

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Needing Jesus

There is much about my current state that concerns me. I'm feeling the stress of transition coupled with the burden of sinfulness. I'm too tired to be truly productive, but too unstable to rest. My emotions are raging, I make bad choices, and I react to those choices with more raging emotion. I'm constantly re-evaluating, self-monitoring and hitting my internal panic buttons. I'm spending too much time in front of the computer at work.

In my moments of prayer, I reflected on playing basketball in the last couple weeks. In one game I relaxed and played aggressively, and in another game I missed some shots, started thinking about things too much, and played timidly. I'm not that good of a player, but when I stop thinking too much and just play, I can hold my own.

How can I stop thinking and just play in my life, right now, this summer? I've got so many missed shots on my mind. The holes in my game are obvious and glaring. My body is bruised, tired, and beat-down. I can't stop playing, but I can't stop worrying about things either. Help me, Jesus, to stop concentrating on the pressure, my failures, and my weaknesses. Help me to believe that you are with me and just play.

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Writer's Unblock

I hung out with Abner and Molly last night. Among catching up and sharing about stuff going on for us, we talked about writing and blogging. Abner laughed at the fact that I switch back and forth between Xanga and Blogger, and I got to thinking, "I would really like to write more and be reflective about things, but I haven't had time." My posting was fairly regular in '04-'05, but since the move both my pages have been wastelands. Hmm. I miss writing. Here are some other things that I miss:

Basketball
Social dancing
Playing and writing music
Reading
Poker
The beach
Live baseball games
My brothers
Regular drinking buddies

I will have a chance to experience all of those in the upcoming months. But I have recently chosen to lay down something that has meant more to me than all those things. I need to move on, for the sake of my health and God's work in me. It's good for me to let go, and it is God's will. But I am mourning it all the same.

Urban Ministry

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Value

Last week the words of a mentor struck me: "I think the breakup was hard for you because you got too much of your value out of having a girlfriend." They struck me because I realized that I have placed my value in a lot of things. I've gotten value from being an urban minister. I've gotten value from having an exciting job. I've gotten value from having a girlfriend (and de-valued myself when I don't have one). I've gotten value from being a cross-cultural person. And lately, I feel de-valued because I have psychological issues from my family that I need to deal with. Right now my life is in a lot of transition, and according to my value systems I have little to no value.

"While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with
leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him,
"Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand
and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" And immediately the
leprosy left him." - Luke 5:12-13

"After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting
at his tax booth. "Follow me," Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left
everything and followed him. Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his
house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. But
the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained
to his disciples, "Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I
have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." - Luke 5:27-32

In my prayer and reflection on these passages, I've noticed a couple things. First, God wants me to know that I actually am completely valuable without or in spite of all the things in my value systems. In the scripture I see him constantly interacting with people who have no value, according to my systems. He eats and drinks with them, chooses them to be his companions, and uses his divine power for their specific benefit. It is clear that Jesus sees value in them, and if they are valuable, then my value systems must be wrong. Value exists in them and me that is independent of external circumstances, health, success, abilities, and relationships. God wants me to know that at my core as a person, I am valuable enough that God is interested in me.
Moreover, God is profoundly interested in my healing, well-being, and joy. He said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." He was constantly healing broken and sick people. Here I believe that his knowledge of each person's value caused him to desire their healing and wholeness. Healing them was a good investment because of their value. And he acted on his desire to heal, when asked.

So, if he desired that lepers be healed and tax collectors be forgiven, he must also want me to be healed, forgiven, and restored. He's waiting for me to recognize my sickness and ask him to heal me. He's waiting for me to believe enough in my own value that I would ask loudly for restoration. He's waiting for me to trust enough in his knowledge of my value that I would expect to get what I need when I ask.

I need to, I want to respond to this Jesus I see in scripture. I want to regularly acknowledge the value he sees in me. I want to accept his interest in me and let it change the way I think and feel about myself. I want to desire health and joy for myself like Jesus does, and I want to act on that desire. Most of all, I want to keep coming to Jesus. His knowledge of my value is what I need.

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Back to Blogspot

Who needs eProps? I'm in need of some reflective, relatively picture-free posting. Hello again, Blogger.

Blogging as an extrovert

After looking down on Xanga and posting an essay to that effect, I've now decided to switch sides. In short, even though I enjoy reading many blogs, the extrovert in me can no longer resist subscriptions, eProps, and Blogrings. So I'm jumping over to have internet conversation here. I might still update this blog from time to time; in fact, I'll probably post my ministry updates here once a month or something. But if you really want to know what I'm conversing about, you'll have to jump over with me.

Spam Evasion

Anyone wishing to guard against Spam comments on their blog can try turning on Word Verification in the settings page.

In the spirit of encouraging real comments, however, I've started allowing anonymous comments on this blog after noticing that I had them blocked. My bad.

Christian News

While you're reading the article in the previous post, check out the rest of the stories at LarkNews.com. Conservative Christianity is always good for a laugh. I liked reading about the super-holy missions trippers and worship CDs made by a moral failure.

Kneejerk Post #2

Most recent sign of the times.

Another sign: 80% of New Orleans is now underwater.